Suzy, Drinker Of Coffee

Phoned Home

Spoke to my mother tonight on the phone, twice. I got through halfway through what I wanted to say, and then she wanted to go and think about it. I wrote all my thoughts down into Word, and then went and got the washing out the machine. The upshot of the second conversation is that she has decided we will “agree to disagree” – the point there being, she disagrees with gender reassignment, despite the fact she is not willing to fully understand it, and her preachers or whatever can’t get me separated from a cross dresser. The flip side to this was nil, because I was not disagreeing with her. I said that I thought she is just trying to ignore my life over the last twenty or years, and she disagreed. I’ve said that I would be happy to look at religion again, after I get over and done with the past at Trinity. We then talked about Trinity - the school I went to between 5 & 9 – a fee-paying religious school in Dundee City Centre. She’s already seen the letter I wanted to send to those who did the wrong, and she spent her time editing bits she didn’t want – she originally wanted me to write it under my christened name, not aware that this would be fraud under the Deed of Polls Act! Anyway, back to the past. During my time there, the teachers did things that were wrong… and she can’t remember it.

Now, that made me stop. The teachers doing the wrong apparently didn’t tell her, although I am sure they did! She can’t remember me telling her about it either. I remember twice at school writing bits in essays etc. about my true feelings, while not making it blatant. I showed my mum the first one, and she wouldn’t even read it. You wouldn’t believe it now, but I was fairly religious at one point – because, I thought it would make her as interested in me, as she is with the other two. Maybe that was misguided, and don’t forget I’d had a bad run-in under the name of “religion” just a few years before. My biggest problem wasn’t anything to do with religion, or God, or anything else. My problem was I needed to follow my mind.

Now, if she was reading this, she would say that was one sided. Well, I’ll give you one sided. What happened next was she was talking about the past, I was adding bits that I remembered, and different incidents. I said I thought she was doing right at the time, despite what happened to me. When I was speaking, all I got was “ah-ha” and the like all the way through, not really listening. OK, it had been some time we had on the phone – just under 30 mins the first time, and just under 40 the second, but I’ve not spoken to her in ages. When my brother was asked about something, she was quite happy to remember that, and joke and laugh about what was happening. That is the difference – she’s never done this with me. As we were taught in our training, there’s “listening”, and there is true active listening. Even the old guy on “Gremlins 2” had the right idea when he said “To hear, one hath only to listen”. Yes, she’s had several strokes over the last few years, but during the whole conversation, she didn’t mention anything I’d ever done that was positive! Why? What does she get from this?

Next, something rather controversial. She said I’d “blown all my chances”. Wait a minute - how does she work that out? I’ve been in the same job for four years, same house for four years, a steady relationship with someone who is far away enough that she can’t f**k things up between us – also for (almost) four years, and I’m now feeling the best I’ve ever done throughout my life – even before I started on the estrogen and cyperetone (hormones/anti-andro). I said she doesn’t see anything I’ve done right, and I think this has proved it! I then asked her about that, and she was talking to someone else in the background… I left it there.

I followed my mind, and with counselling and medical supervision, I’ve been helped to find the real meaning of my life. Religion is an add-on to that. The two could quiet easily co-exist, if I wanted to, and once I get over everyone else who’s abused me in the past, all in the name of “religion”. She doesn’t understand, but my constantly harping on about religion, I am sure she is “triggering” my feelings of the way I was mistreated in Trinity – and that can upset me. There are a few friends I know who have “triggers” of their own which I try to avoid as much as I can, and it would be nice if she did the same. I’m big and wise enough to know that will never happen, yet there are a huge list of things I’m not even allowed to mention to her.

As an aside to that… shortly after I came out, I went up to see them, and she started digging in at the components of my name. She then told me that she had someone she knew called Suzy, who was stabbed in Lochee a few years before. At that point, I felt terrible. A few years later, we were both arriving at her house, and my little sister said to her “Oh, your friend Suzy from Lochee phoned for you…” ??? WTF right enough.

Oh, and unless she’s not noticed this, her own church isn’t doing anything for the Transgender Day Of Remembrance – Monday 20^th November – MCC Edinburgh did something last year (I wasn’t there at the time), but I’ve not had a reply to my email yet asking if there is anything this year. If anyone knows of any such events across Scotland this 20^th November, I will be quite happy to take the day off work unpaid to be there! Why? Well, it’s important not just to support these events, but also to remember our “brothers & sisters” who were killed just for being the person that they wanted to be. They too, were not understood. See the above - but yes, I've not been killed. Yet that's what caused some of them - lack of understanding of the way someone feels.

And, it will at least get me back in a church again – well, that’s got to be right, hasn’t it? Maybe yes, maybe no. If it was, someone would still miss it. If it wasn't good, they'd be there.

What else did I do today? Downloaded Firefox 2 – despite all the things written elsewhere, I can’t see that much has changed. “Google” now shows in faint print in the search box, just so you remember what the “G” beside it stands for! Doesn’t do that with the Yahoo, eBay etc. selections though. Seems to be working fine on my pc, and it’s a really quick download.

posted by Suzy Scott @ 22:41