Something to think about
I got to sleep fairly well tonight... in the end... but you know when you want to get out the following day early... suddently everything whirrs around in your head. I've talked to a lot of people who've undergone bad things when they were younger, and I've always admired your abilities to carry on and try to get over things. Some of you are still trying, I know it's difficult, but there's something in my mind that feels the same way.
Let's put it another way... a long time ago, when I was at school, I was not the same confident, articulate(d) person that you see now. Where did this lack of confidence stem from? Where did the self-neglect and embarassment come from? What happened to me when I was very young?
Some of you will know I went to a private school for the first four years of "primary" school. Between 1985 & 1989, my mother paid fees to attend a private, Christian based school. This might seem mad, given the fact we were definatly working class, and had no car, or no telephone etc. There were two main teachers, teaching a wide age range i.e. P1-P7, including the children of one of the teachers. Initally, they tried to "outlaw" my interests, obviously seeing things like bible reading and scottish country dancing as more "mainstream". The point is, it was the start, and no-one really noticed. I think it was the start of being controlled by a tiny "system". Less than a dozen in total, so no-one ever questioned, or said anything wrong. Anyone who questioned anything that was done was told they were wrong.
Before we go any further, I'd like to explain that this wasn't any kind of sexual abuse, but I still feel it was wrong.
The following years saw what you can see later as victimisation, alienation, favouritisim, whatever you want to call it. Initally, one of the teachers started punishing me - physically (despite the law at the time, and of course I didn't know any better than) - as well as mentally, and verbally. Being physically punished might not seem so bad, but when you compare the abilities of a 6/7 year old with your own son who was several years older than me, then you've got something. For almost all of the time, I know I was the only one. No-one else was treated this way.It's also immoral for someone calling themselves Christian to punish in this way. Bearing in mind my parents rammed the book at me often enough (and before anyone tries to read between the lines, that was just a metaphor), I know that someone wouldn't break the law.
I've spent several years thinking about what happened. I've got over most of the other issues in life - think of it as almost in reverse order - but I've had this hanging over me for so long. It might seem like a minor thing... but it was the start of my life spiralling out of control. Over the coming years, I couldn't trust some people. I saw the bad things in people too much. I had difficulty in bonding with others. I've improved over time, and especially in the last few years, but having said all that, I cannot change the past.
I really need to see my mother about this, and other things, in time. We were speaking the last time I knew... but I'm not sure how to approach this.
I know that they are still around, because the husband of one of the teachers is a current Dundee City councillor. I'm not going to name any names or wards or parties right now, but needless to say, it's not the councillors for where I live or work. I promise to tell more when the time is right.
posted by Suzy Scott @ 23:59
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