My current feelings
Firstly, thanks to everyone for your kind words and thoughts.
Over the last few weeks, I've had a large number of thoughts and emotions going on in my head.
Briefly, I will go back in my mind to the last day of September. There were lots of contributing factors, but even I was somewhat shocked at the way I'd reacted. In the meantime, yes, lots of happy times. Lots of confusing times, and some rather sad times.
On 27th December, I also felt like I'd failed. Maybe because once again, there were lots of reasons for doing what was done. Even though I could sort of sense something was up, it was still a bit of a shock. I was upset, but partly because I'd felt I'd done wrong. We both felt as if we'd upset each other. (Nothing could have been further from the truth, but we both thought we were trying to protect each other). As I was in shocked, I guess that I panicked. These things happen, and we are all only human. The connection was there, and it helped to explain how I felt then too. That's why I felt my subconscious was escaping!
On Monday 1st, I woke up with conflicting emotions. I felt as if I'd failed, on at least one occasion. Yes, I'd managed to "drop" that low. On the 2nd, I said so in the morning, and then later on. Why more than once? I had other feelings in the meantime, and tried to bring myself around with all the usual mind pleasers... none of which worked (this time!)
After I'd said it, and I told everyone... I bizarrely became happier... and then back to being upset... and then happier... I'd had a nap, as I'd felt fairly tired. On the 3rd, kind of stuck in between. I was back at work, but the swings were more in the middle, than the extremes of the days gone by.
There are two possibilities here - my first really serious mood swings, or the start of depression.
Of course, they can be linked, and one can be a side-effect of the other. The latter may be an option, but I'm not "always" down. Most of my medication can cause this as a side effect, but two are especially known for it. Naturally, this may or may not be helping, and I will mention it all at my next GIC review (February), as they prescribed them originally.
Then, there are the mood swings. Someone put it so brilliantly when she said "You feel depressed, you feel tired, you feel confused, you can't sleep, you can't lie down because your t1ts are aching, your body aches, you keep bursting into tears..."
... yes, every one of those, and sometimes all at once. You do sometimes feel up and happy too.
As I warned you lot a few months ago, I started on progesterone mid-November. I'm still on a fairly low dose, but after six weeks, I guess this was to be expected. In cases of people on higher doses, the moods seem to get more agitated and sometimes more upset... as if feeling you'd failed your entire world wasn't bad enough, yes it can get worse!
I've experienced the highs, and the lows, of recent times. I guess once I'd had one, the other was inevitable... but do they have to keep swapping around every few minutes/hours?
So far I've managed to keep a lot of my emotions in my head, which may not be the best policy all round.
I did get about six hours of easy sleep last night, before waking up in pain, and then awake/asleep for a few hours. Today (Thursday 4th), I started fairly content. Went up (laughing at my email, but not at a joke), and then went down at work, back up again, and down... and further down... and currently I've got a pain going through my head. Came home, had a bite to eat, still slightly sore... and tired... and run-down. Not really badly depressed, just lots of changes to my head.
Usually I try to get on, and forget the problems, and try to carry on with life, for what I can have left of it. Except for these occasions, I'd usually manage it too.
So, now, do I feel like a failure? Depends how I feel about myself at the time. If I go that low again, I just hope it won't be for a while - like everyone else does! Having reached such a low low so quickly may seem a bit worrying, but I knew this day would come sometime, and there probably will be worse to come! In the meantime, please bear with me, as I try to work through the highs and the lows of transition. If I feel bad for more than two complete days at a time (without coming back up too), I will seek more urgent help.
Thanks to you all for your time
Suzy x
Over the last few weeks, I've had a large number of thoughts and emotions going on in my head.
Briefly, I will go back in my mind to the last day of September. There were lots of contributing factors, but even I was somewhat shocked at the way I'd reacted. In the meantime, yes, lots of happy times. Lots of confusing times, and some rather sad times.
On 27th December, I also felt like I'd failed. Maybe because once again, there were lots of reasons for doing what was done. Even though I could sort of sense something was up, it was still a bit of a shock. I was upset, but partly because I'd felt I'd done wrong. We both felt as if we'd upset each other. (Nothing could have been further from the truth, but we both thought we were trying to protect each other). As I was in shocked, I guess that I panicked. These things happen, and we are all only human. The connection was there, and it helped to explain how I felt then too. That's why I felt my subconscious was escaping!
On Monday 1st, I woke up with conflicting emotions. I felt as if I'd failed, on at least one occasion. Yes, I'd managed to "drop" that low. On the 2nd, I said so in the morning, and then later on. Why more than once? I had other feelings in the meantime, and tried to bring myself around with all the usual mind pleasers... none of which worked (this time!)
After I'd said it, and I told everyone... I bizarrely became happier... and then back to being upset... and then happier... I'd had a nap, as I'd felt fairly tired. On the 3rd, kind of stuck in between. I was back at work, but the swings were more in the middle, than the extremes of the days gone by.
There are two possibilities here - my first really serious mood swings, or the start of depression.
Of course, they can be linked, and one can be a side-effect of the other. The latter may be an option, but I'm not "always" down. Most of my medication can cause this as a side effect, but two are especially known for it. Naturally, this may or may not be helping, and I will mention it all at my next GIC review (February), as they prescribed them originally.
Then, there are the mood swings. Someone put it so brilliantly when she said "You feel depressed, you feel tired, you feel confused, you can't sleep, you can't lie down because your t1ts are aching, your body aches, you keep bursting into tears..."
... yes, every one of those, and sometimes all at once. You do sometimes feel up and happy too.
As I warned you lot a few months ago, I started on progesterone mid-November. I'm still on a fairly low dose, but after six weeks, I guess this was to be expected. In cases of people on higher doses, the moods seem to get more agitated and sometimes more upset... as if feeling you'd failed your entire world wasn't bad enough, yes it can get worse!
I've experienced the highs, and the lows, of recent times. I guess once I'd had one, the other was inevitable... but do they have to keep swapping around every few minutes/hours?
So far I've managed to keep a lot of my emotions in my head, which may not be the best policy all round.
I did get about six hours of easy sleep last night, before waking up in pain, and then awake/asleep for a few hours. Today (Thursday 4th), I started fairly content. Went up (laughing at my email, but not at a joke), and then went down at work, back up again, and down... and further down... and currently I've got a pain going through my head. Came home, had a bite to eat, still slightly sore... and tired... and run-down. Not really badly depressed, just lots of changes to my head.
Usually I try to get on, and forget the problems, and try to carry on with life, for what I can have left of it. Except for these occasions, I'd usually manage it too.
So, now, do I feel like a failure? Depends how I feel about myself at the time. If I go that low again, I just hope it won't be for a while - like everyone else does! Having reached such a low low so quickly may seem a bit worrying, but I knew this day would come sometime, and there probably will be worse to come! In the meantime, please bear with me, as I try to work through the highs and the lows of transition. If I feel bad for more than two complete days at a time (without coming back up too), I will seek more urgent help.
Thanks to you all for your time
Suzy x
posted by Suzy Scott @ 23:59
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