Back down to earth, with a bump!...
I had to meet my mum almost first thing, before I went to work. She mentioned on the phone that the home had to get a doctor in for my dad last night, as he had taken ill, but then said it was fine. This has happened a few times.
I started today in the right frame of mind. I had a couple of things to get in town before I met mum. One shop has a long queue, but this was quickly cut down to size! So, I made it to the Seagate in time to meet her off the 37... which came in a little behind time... and, she wasn't on it! When we'd spoken on the phone, I did tell her I had to be at work for 1300, but I was now a little concerned, given what had happened either. I phoned her landline (as she does not carry a mobile phone, even though I bought her one many years ago! in the days when I could afford such things!), and my brother Timothy answered the phone... saying she'd just got in a taxi. OK, I'd give it another five minutes. Lots of people were picking up their kids in cars (or dropping off) on the other side of the road, at the karate school, so I had to keep an eye out! I could see her getting out the car, and we spoke for a few minutes. I'd gave the birthday cards & gifts for her & Ruth (as ever, I'd not forgotten, but...), and returned something I'd borrowed previously. I asked exactly what had happened to my dad, and she explained that they thought he'd had a fit... but this was ruled out by the doctor, who said he'd had some sort of mild seizure - for the first time ever. She then pointed out that this was nothing to do with his HD, and as she always does, tried pointing out that "everything is fine". She then asked me why I was stood there with mouth wide-open... why do you think...?
This was about 1215 by this point, and I knew she'd be going for the Newtyle bus at 1300 (on the hour, almost every hour, since 1989!). I said I'd come with her, which provoked somewhat of a weird reaction from her, saying she didn't want me to come along - gently pushing me away at one point! I asked her if she remembered how bad I'd felt some Saturdays ago, remember the time I got really upset? and was off work afterwards? and had a headache for the whole of the next week? "No"... so I left her at that, and walked off. I went to think about things, and sat down on the benches in the Murraygate for a bit .I felt really concerned, and not for the first time in my life. When my dad was first admitted up there, I wanted to go up to see how he was... and my mother demanded that I "leave your [blank] at home" (I'm sure you can fill in the blank, lets just say it's a little transphobic!) I decided that if she was going, that was fine. Co-incidentally, I'd be going on my own too, on the same bus! So, got to the bus station... we had one of the Tridents, 18506 I think it was... anyway, she then wanted me to get the next bus! When I pointed out the next bus at 1330 going the same way (i.e. Service 59) does not go via Newtyle, I got a very rude and sarcastic comment back about presuming I'd know about the 1400 57! (57 & 59 both service Blairgowrie & Coupar Angus, via different roads, so only the 57 goes to Newtyle, for said home).
The timetable allows 37 minutes for said journey, and for most of that time, I was made to feel like I was in my own personal hell - especially for the part between the bus station and Camperdown. Firstly, I was accused of using this to take the time off work! (As it happens, I'd probably end up working back the hours, if I can). I was then advised that "you didn't think that much of him, you even took away his name from your own..." Now, there were many reasons for this. (1) Bad times in the past, (2) Something a little bit shorter was nice, (3) Having your dad's middle name is not exactly suitable for a female name, otherwise she'd have given it to my sister, and (4) if I'd been married, I'd have changed it by now anyway. She followed this up with "You've never been worried about him before..." I then advised that every time she'd phoned me, she had always told me that he had been fine, and I had taken her word for it! I pointed out that I had been very busy of late, and I was then accused of not doing anything worthwhile recently! (this is the point where I thought about heading her upstairs and leaving her to her rants, but I stayed where I was). When I pointed out that I'd just had - amongst others - eight medical appointments in less than five weeks - I was advised "that was your choice, I didn't make you do it". It's not a choice... I started defending myself, but was munching on what had became "breakfast" by this point (from the bus stn takeaway!), and she said "wait till you've finished eating before you speak". OK, fair enough, so I did... then started again... "I'm not interested..."
At this point, I looked around, and tried to make sure I wasn't dreaming! This was REALLY happening? In 2006? Afraid to say it was, and by this point we were only at Dudhope Park! i.e. ten minutes down!
Once we got into Angus, she'd went quiet... obviously got that off her chest... When we got to Mundamalla, I noticed the bus still had the school bus sign in the window! At this point, I had to ask to make sure it was really Saturday, and that this hadn't all been some kind of sick dream. We went into the main lounge room first of all, to see my aunt and a few others sitting around watching the tv. My mum doesn't pay so much attention, but starts asking how they are enjoying the football... the one who was half sedated, and furthest away from the tv, was able to point out that they were actually watching rugby! Then, we'd went through to see my dad... and he wasn't too bad. He was a bit quieter than he had been of late. Mum asked him some questions about what had happened last night, and while he moved in acknowledgement, he didn't answer any of them. I found this just a little scary. Mum then complains that I wasn't speaking to him... (1) I was still getting over everything that she'd said on the way up, (2) She always uses this as an excuse to call me "Andrew" or "son" [for the record, my dad recognises me without explanation, but doesn't really speak too much, so there is no problem with that. My aunt speaks to everyone, but cannot remember who she is, or they are...], (3) rather than actually using this as a chance to talk about things, especially since I'm around, she constantly repeated herself about the birds at the window, and what was on the television. This is a sight for the future, as there is a good chance (more than likely) that I will end up this way at some point in my future - that's why sometimes, all I like to do is to see how he is feeling, and pay close attention to what is going on. There was then a point where my dad was trying to explain that he'd got a sore eye last night... I headed out side for a few moments, before I got too upset, and to let them figure it out. Once they'd got him to stand up and explain this, I was back in, and I'd understood what he meant. Maybe communicators just pick up these things...
... I had to pop outside again a few minutes later, but remained in one piece until the bus home at 1615. Same Trident as last time. Once again, I got dug into all the way down the road, and try to come back with some more positive things to say. Then, she starts casting up things from my long gone past i.e. they'd helped me in years gone by to get a flat, but I had to leave Dundee when there was no work... that was the bit that she'd forgotten, but it did remind me she'd been this nasty to me even before transitioning! I sometimes get the feeling that it's not the concept, it's who is doing it. She didn't seem to mind about digging up my past from years gone by, but felt embarrassed when I mentioned my present situation. When we got into town, she even demanded that I got off at a different stop to her. By that point, I'd past caring, so I carried onto the Bus Station, and walked via St Andrew Street and Cowgate to Tesco. As I walked in, my sister was about to get served, and her face lit up when she saw me! She was buying some things for mum, and needed some change! (It comes around I guess)... I asked where Mum was, assuming they'd bumped into each other, and they'd not. I advised what had happened, and she said "Maybe she's just upset". Yes, maybe today.
So, I headed for home, but it was nice to claw back one degree of self-respect! You may be able to choose your friends, but not your family... and I think that was proven today!
I started today in the right frame of mind. I had a couple of things to get in town before I met mum. One shop has a long queue, but this was quickly cut down to size! So, I made it to the Seagate in time to meet her off the 37... which came in a little behind time... and, she wasn't on it! When we'd spoken on the phone, I did tell her I had to be at work for 1300, but I was now a little concerned, given what had happened either. I phoned her landline (as she does not carry a mobile phone, even though I bought her one many years ago! in the days when I could afford such things!), and my brother Timothy answered the phone... saying she'd just got in a taxi. OK, I'd give it another five minutes. Lots of people were picking up their kids in cars (or dropping off) on the other side of the road, at the karate school, so I had to keep an eye out! I could see her getting out the car, and we spoke for a few minutes. I'd gave the birthday cards & gifts for her & Ruth (as ever, I'd not forgotten, but...), and returned something I'd borrowed previously. I asked exactly what had happened to my dad, and she explained that they thought he'd had a fit... but this was ruled out by the doctor, who said he'd had some sort of mild seizure - for the first time ever. She then pointed out that this was nothing to do with his HD, and as she always does, tried pointing out that "everything is fine". She then asked me why I was stood there with mouth wide-open... why do you think...?
This was about 1215 by this point, and I knew she'd be going for the Newtyle bus at 1300 (on the hour, almost every hour, since 1989!). I said I'd come with her, which provoked somewhat of a weird reaction from her, saying she didn't want me to come along - gently pushing me away at one point! I asked her if she remembered how bad I'd felt some Saturdays ago, remember the time I got really upset? and was off work afterwards? and had a headache for the whole of the next week? "No"... so I left her at that, and walked off. I went to think about things, and sat down on the benches in the Murraygate for a bit .I felt really concerned, and not for the first time in my life. When my dad was first admitted up there, I wanted to go up to see how he was... and my mother demanded that I "leave your [blank]
The timetable allows 37 minutes for said journey, and for most of that time, I was made to feel like I was in my own personal hell - especially for the part between the bus station and Camperdown. Firstly, I was accused of using this to take the time off work! (As it happens, I'd probably end up working back the hours, if I can). I was then advised that "you didn't think that much of him, you even took away his name from your own..." Now, there were many reasons for this. (1) Bad times in the past, (2) Something a little bit shorter was nice, (3) Having your dad's middle name is not exactly suitable for a female name, otherwise she'd have given it to my sister, and (4) if I'd been married, I'd have changed it by now anyway. She followed this up with "You've never been worried about him before..." I then advised that every time she'd phoned me, she had always told me that he had been fine, and I had taken her word for it! I pointed out that I had been very busy of late, and I was then accused of not doing anything worthwhile recently! (this is the point where I thought about heading her upstairs and leaving her to her rants, but I stayed where I was). When I pointed out that I'd just had - amongst others - eight medical appointments in less than five weeks - I was advised "that was your choice, I didn't make you do it". It's not a choice... I started defending myself, but was munching on what had became "breakfast" by this point (from the bus stn takeaway!), and she said "wait till you've finished eating before you speak". OK, fair enough, so I did... then started again... "I'm not interested..."
At this point, I looked around, and tried to make sure I wasn't dreaming! This was REALLY happening? In 2006? Afraid to say it was, and by this point we were only at Dudhope Park! i.e. ten minutes down!
Once we got into Angus, she'd went quiet... obviously got that off her chest... When we got to Mundamalla, I noticed the bus still had the school bus sign in the window! At this point, I had to ask to make sure it was really Saturday, and that this hadn't all been some kind of sick dream. We went into the main lounge room first of all, to see my aunt and a few others sitting around watching the tv. My mum doesn't pay so much attention, but starts asking how they are enjoying the football... the one who was half sedated, and furthest away from the tv, was able to point out that they were actually watching rugby! Then, we'd went through to see my dad... and he wasn't too bad. He was a bit quieter than he had been of late. Mum asked him some questions about what had happened last night, and while he moved in acknowledgement, he didn't answer any of them. I found this just a little scary. Mum then complains that I wasn't speaking to him... (1) I was still getting over everything that she'd said on the way up, (2) She always uses this as an excuse to call me "Andrew" or "son" [for the record, my dad recognises me without explanation, but doesn't really speak too much, so there is no problem with that. My aunt speaks to everyone, but cannot remember who she is, or they are...], (3) rather than actually using this as a chance to talk about things, especially since I'm around, she constantly repeated herself about the birds at the window, and what was on the television. This is a sight for the future, as there is a good chance (more than likely) that I will end up this way at some point in my future - that's why sometimes, all I like to do is to see how he is feeling, and pay close attention to what is going on. There was then a point where my dad was trying to explain that he'd got a sore eye last night... I headed out side for a few moments, before I got too upset, and to let them figure it out. Once they'd got him to stand up and explain this, I was back in, and I'd understood what he meant. Maybe communicators just pick up these things...
... I had to pop outside again a few minutes later, but remained in one piece until the bus home at 1615. Same Trident as last time. Once again, I got dug into all the way down the road, and try to come back with some more positive things to say. Then, she starts casting up things from my long gone past i.e. they'd helped me in years gone by to get a flat, but I had to leave Dundee when there was no work... that was the bit that she'd forgotten, but it did remind me she'd been this nasty to me even before transitioning! I sometimes get the feeling that it's not the concept, it's who is doing it. She didn't seem to mind about digging up my past from years gone by, but felt embarrassed when I mentioned my present situation. When we got into town, she even demanded that I got off at a different stop to her. By that point, I'd past caring, so I carried onto the Bus Station, and walked via St Andrew Street and Cowgate to Tesco. As I walked in, my sister was about to get served, and her face lit up when she saw me! She was buying some things for mum, and needed some change! (It comes around I guess)... I asked where Mum was, assuming they'd bumped into each other, and they'd not. I advised what had happened, and she said "Maybe she's just upset". Yes, maybe today.
So, I headed for home, but it was nice to claw back one degree of self-respect! You may be able to choose your friends, but not your family... and I think that was proven today!
(btw, I don't intended to use this as a place to bitch behind hr back... but all of that genuinely happened today... I wasn't that badly upset by the time I got back to Dundee, but I was a bit emotional throughout the day)!
posted by Suzy Scott @ 17:43
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